Building Fear

Ugh, so this is a random post.
But honestly, as the days wind down for school I'm getting more scared. A fear that not even my false-happiness could cover up.

There are a lot of things I don't tell people. I'm the type who trusts no one (well, exceptional people), but still. The days wind down and it seems to come faster and faster and this fear sinks in. I'm fearful for the people who are at school, I'm fearful of their eyes that seem to see right through you, fearful of their voices that talk of cruel things, fearful of the ears that believe anything that people rumor, fearful of the people standing in groups. I'm not invincible, even if I can come off as a "I-don't-give-a-shit-bitch" or a "whatever" type of person.

There are times where you want to cry in the middle of things, but you can't because eyes are everywhere. To be strong is the hardest thing in life or show your vulnerability. Even the people who say they don't judge anyone still end up judging people in some form or another - that much is true.

I find school sucks. The occisonal laughter comes, yes. But when you push all those things aside, I become almost a different person. I cannot do without a barrier. There were days where you cry yourself to sleep nightly, yet, the next morning know one would know - and they'd continue viewing you as whatever they view you as. Sometimes, you wish you never met anyone - because it's those people that you meet that change your life. The way you percieve life perhaps, or maybe the way you view moral rights.

If dreaming was the only way where you didn't have to face people that always talked shit, than I'd rather just stay asleep forever. Than again, I'm also aware of the fact that you cannot avoid life if you are to find peace. I have to believe that later, after all these trials, that maybe I'll find peace. Not here - because there's this feeling of misplacement here.

I'm a emotional person, I think. It's that when you've been misunderstood for so long, theres a point where something has to give and break. To always feel like an outcast is like... I don't know. It's an indescribable feelin'. One that you'd proabably have to wait until you experiance it. Because for me, it made me hate myself, ask me: "why was I born if I was only to have to go through this and meet people like this?"

I say I want to go to a different high school from everyone - as true as it is, that doesn't come without fear. I'm scared that everything I have hoped for a fresh start would turn sour and history would repeat itself. I want a future where the people I've met in the past would be gone, I want to be refreshed into something that's able to be confident, and not always secretly feeling fear. Sometimes, your vulnerability scores you points, but I don't use vulnerability to attract sympathy - that's not what I want. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, I only wish they'd support me. Not act out for me, but rather hold my up and tell me "everything's going to be okay".

I'm not like her, the one who always cries wolf - except everytime, there's always people to help.

Let me be strong God. Is all I wish.

Be strong Aliens, cause life's gonna' hit you with a lot of bricks.

Love,

xoxo

   - aV