Questions, Questions, Questions...

I probably have no right to question Him, but I do. I try and have faith in Him, but it's difficult when your own pair of eyes are clouded with negativity.

It's no question I'm insecure. For fourteen years, I always looked at myself and saw something I didn't want to see, something I always found to question, to always complain about ; because I saw it as I wasn't good enough. Endless times, I've wondered: Why did God make everyone else so pretty?

I don't think that I'll ever have that positive outlook on me, because society's already told you so many times that this is how you have to look. It sucks to not feel like you're up to a standard. It sucks  that everyday you wake up and can't feel amazing about yourself, because you lost the sense of confidence. Being put down for so long... It's kinda crappy that the girl you were two years ago is not the girl I am now. I can't say I loved my past personality, but I liked the days where nobody gave a fuck. Sure, you get critisized every now and than, but you could laugh it off. Now it's not like that, you pin point it and focus so much on one word - so much, that it blinds your way of viewing things.

If I had to be honest, I hate it when people who know they're pretty deny it. Because, you know you are. (Why do I give a darn 'bout looks suddenly? I don't even know, just a ranting moment alright?!) I don't know... It doesn't help that people return the comment out of politeness, or something. Anyway, maybe it's just me. Maybe they really do mean it but I don't see it that way. I think I practically dug out my own grave.

FML - there's better things to be complaining about right? But one day, I feel like I'm going to be so tired of fighting this war with myself. You know, I give myself false-hope saying: maybe when I'm older i'll be prettier. I know that to me, that is a big bullsh*t I tell myself. Even I can barely believe it because, my friends are gorgeous.  All around me all I see is pretty people, skinny people, tall people. I wonder what's wrong with me? Always viewing me like this... I hate it yet it doesn't stop.

As long as I feel that I'm not good enough, no part will rest. No pep-talk can change it. No compliment can. It's just a internal war-thing... Ugh.

Regardless of my situation, the rest of you should smile in the mirror because you're beautiful. <3 Don't let nobody tell you otherwise.

-xoxo,

  a V.